Countdown

4 down, 766 to go. That’s the way I’m looking at my food replacements. If anyone is tired of hearing about this big transformational program I have embarked upon, you are not nearly as tired of it as I am after less than one day of actual deployment. Last night was the second of eighty-some-odd weekly meetings. I was underwhelmed by that experience, but the regular instructor was unable to attend so I will withhold judgment for a while. The meeting ended by our receiving our first weekly allotment of shakes and bars and soup—none of which Kaiser even regards as food. Indeed they are deemed “food replacements” and they barely qualify as that.

This morning marked the first ingestion of a food replacement unit. 160 calories packed into an 8-ounce cardboard container of a creamy chocolate-like substance. Yummy. One down, 769 to go. I sat opposite Debbie at the breakfast table as she ate her usual hot beverage and toast. I was actually not entirely grossed out by the stuff and sipped it slowly as to have a more substantial breakfast experience than chugging it would allow.

We are asked to log each such ingestion. I eschewed the hard copy matrix they provided in favor of creating my own Excel spreadsheet. This allowed me to track in greater detail the food replacement selection, flavor, form (dry packet or pre-mixed), time of day, interval between “feedings,” and most important—gustatory satisfaction. Just becoming acquainted with this stuff, and having to order a week’s supply at a time, I want to record which choices are less un-yummy.

In addition to the 6 feedings, we are urged to drink a gallon of water a day. That’s a lot of water. It does help keep the belly full, and I’m getting more exercise by walking down the hall with great frequency.

For lunch I decided to have a peanut something bar. That was actually not terrible had I been, let’s say, in the middle of a long bike ride, as opposed to calling it lunch. I also learned that preparing and eating an energy bar takes about one-tenth the time than, say, building and eating the kind of robust salad or sandwich that I am accustomed to.

But time flies and before I knew it I was late for my mid-afternoon feeding. It was time to try out the powdered version of a chocolate shake. Contrary to rumors at our introductory session, it was considerably more un-yummy than the pre-mixed version. I chugged it, washed it down with water, and header back to my desk. I do seem to be getting more work done today.

On it went. Before I knew it, it was time for a late afternoon vanilla powdered shake. Chugged that one too. I hear it may taste better with a dash of sugar-free Italian root beer syrup.

By golly, my stomach just growled. It’s 6:45 and time for dinner. I may sneak half a chicken soup and half a tomato soup just to put them to the test. I feel just like Tom Colicchio!

...

Just went with not-your-mother’s chicken soup. Passable.

5 down, 765 to go.